Two steps forward, two steps back!

This weekend was bad, REALLY bad. I don't know why or how I've let it come to this but lately I can't seem to stop. I ate and ate and then I ate even more. All the things I know about food and how to eat and when and what just went completely out the window. I found ways to reason with myself that it was okay to have the burger and the ice cream and the chinese food and the pizza...it was complete self sabotage and now I sit here this Monday afternoon wondering what the hell I was thinking?! I know I'm not the only one who does this. I think so many of us have that mentality that the weekend is a free for all -- anything goes and come Monday, it's time to pay. It's a never-ending cycle of accomplishment followed by regret. I'm writing this now in the hopes that when the next weekend starts, I can look back and read this and remember that it doesn't have to be that way!

As I was doing Insanity this morning (the first of many workouts for the day) I was on the verge of tears. I thought about all the hard work I have put in over the last 22 months, everything I have gone through to lose all this weight and to get healthy for the first time in my life -- the workouts, the food journals, learning about protein and carbs, drinking enough water, and on and on...why, lately, have I been so quick to throw it all away? It's not just been this last weekend but every weekend for the last two months or so. Now I'm a big believer in having a cheat meal here and there, maybe once a week, but it's been spreading through the whole weekend! I know this is a problem and if I don't get to the bottom of it, it very well could take control of me! I don't want to make excuses but I know stress is playing a huge factor. The biggest stress of it all - finances! I hate that money or the lack of it has such a death grip over me right now. I am almost constantly crunching numbers in my head. It's exhausting and depressing and it eats at me because it is a problem I can't seem to fix. What makes it even worse is that it seems to be pushing me even more toward these bad choices with food. I know we really can't afford to eat out and for some reason the fact that it is somewhat forbidden makes it that much more enticing. Add in the holiday season with all the goodies to eat plus the extra money needed for Christmas presents and I am just foreseeing a recipe for disaster -- a perfect storm of stress induced sabotage.

Now, I am not going to whine about my problems -- everyone has something going on that can be used to reason why things aren't going right whether it be finances, injuries, relationships, or whatever. I am simply laying all of mine on the table so I can recognize what they are, how they are affecting me, and how I can get past them. I've been letting them get the best of me lately but enough is enough! No more excuses, no more two steps forward, two steps back. It's time I reevaluate my goals and start remembering why I started on this journey in the first place. Sure, the numbers on the scale played a huge part in my original goal but it became so much more than that. Exercise didn't start out easy for me but the more I do it, the more I enjoy the way I feel because of it -- strong, energized, HEALTHY! Eating has became a way to fuel my body with the healthiest and surprisingly tastiest meals I have ever had. I don't know how I lost touch with all of this but I am ready to get back on board and fight! I am ready to put all the nonsense of the last few months behind me and move on! This is one battle I refuse to lose!